Dating & Relationships

Most of us have been through a painful breakup at some point in our lives – maybe several times. Sometimes, the news that the person you’re dating wants to end the relationship comes as a bolt out of the blue. Other times, you know something’s not right and you get that sense of impending doom. Either way, when someone you’re in love with decides they don’t feel the same way, it’s a deeply painful experience, especially if you were hoping the relationship was leading to marriage.

As a single woman in her 30s over a thousand miles away from her closest natural-born relatives, I sometimes long for connection and intimacy that I don’t always feel in my studio apartment across the river from Manhattan. There may be millions of people here, but sometimes I still feel alone. Once in awhile, I think a boyfriend or husband could fix my problem. Then I remember that having a husband can never really fix my longing for intimacy and connection. My loneliness runs much deeper than what another relationship could fix.

‘Oh, but you just have to know yourself and love yourself, and all the rest flows from there’, a friend told me when I explained the Dating course I was developing to her. Just work on your own wellbeing and you will find love. Society tells us to ‘be authentic’, it screams, ‘just be yourself, and all will be well’. But it isn’t, is it? And being authentic is dangerous ground to be on, because it so often borders on plain selfishness at best.

‘My boyfriend and I have just got engaged – I’m madly in love with him and I believe God has told me he’s the one,’ said the Facebook message. How lovely! I got ready to offer my congratulations. She continued… ‘However, my friends and family think I’m making a big mistake. Should I listen to them or follow my own heart?’

Ah. Complicated. But many of us can relate to this dilemma.

Dating is like jumping in a scary, deep blue ocean… or is it?

Dating can be a tricky world to navigate. A place full of potential land mines that can blow up in your face, a place full of anxiety and fear: the fear of not being enough, the fear of failure, or the fear of being left alone. This may sound grim, but that is how many people tell me they experience dating.

We met on Christian Connection a couple of years ago. I was completely against the idea of online dating, and actually had a couple of friends on different websites, constantly trying to get me signed up, and I always refused. One day, after a conversation with one friend, I decided to give it a go. I thought to myself, ‘at least, after this, you can say you’ve tried everything’.

When it comes to our faith and getting dating advice, just like with most other advice, we often add it to our existing framework. We take in what people say and try to make it fit with our existing assumptions or reject it. We may not even realise we do this. But true transformation begins with letting go of these ‘items in the box’.  

So here’s the thing. In order to date you need to be able to flirt or in some way able to attract the attention of another single person. Not too much, and not too little, but just the right amount to generate interest. It has been said of Christian singles that they suck at flirting. Especially Christian single men who are often accused of being ‘passive’ and non-initiating, whereas Christian single women can be accused of being ‘too eager’ and over-initiating.