Dating & Relationships

‘I’d like to try internet dating,’ confided a friend at church, ‘but I’ve heard stories about scammers, even on Christian websites. I’m a trusting person, HopefulGirl, and I’m not all that web-savvy. I’m worried I’ll be taken in by a conman.’

Calm yourself, dear reader, all is above board. By asking about your fantasy, I refer merely to the shadowy fairytale partner lurking in your subconscious. The one who comes into sharp focus whenever talk of coupling up happens. It’s possible you’ve made a list; all the qualities that you knew God was ‘laying on your heart’. The perfect combination of personality, character, faith, age, physical appearance, and so much more that meant you’d Just Know when they appeared in front of you. Or maybe the fantasy is so ingrained you’ve never analysed the details; you just know you haven’t met them yet. And until then life remains an assault course of wannabes, distractions and thanks-but-no-thanks blocking the path to true love.

Although I got a lot of things wrong when I was dating, I had one general policy I still do not regret: I felt it was best to keep my hands off the women I dated.

Once upon a time, I freaked out about dating. I was that Christian single girl who jumped on the bandwagon of kissing dating goodbye- except of course for dating Jesus.

I repressed my desire for dating and relationships with the opposite sex, and decided that courtship was the “holier” course of action for my life. I bought into the lie that instead of actually DEALING with my fear of failure, or my fear of making mistakes, I could just sit back and do nothing, and pray that God would magically bring me a spouse.

‘I’d never marry a non-Christian, but what about someone from a different denomination?’ mused a woman I met at a Bible week. ‘I go to a charismatic Christian fellowship, and I’ve starting dating an Anglo-Catholic man. He’s lovely and very Godly, but his church is so different from mine, it’s like another religion! I’m wondering if it can ever really work between us.’

For singles, there’s a lot of pressure these days to find a partner and fall in love — which equates to a lot of pressure to search for that person through dating.

“I don’t feel any chemistry with the people who’ve contacted me online, so I haven’t corresponded or met up with any of them,” said the email. “My friends think I’m being too fussy, but isn’t sexual attraction important in a relationship? If the spark’s not there, it’s not there!”

I’ve heard this question asked lots of times, albeit in different ways. ‘How do you know if someone is the right person for you?’, ‘How long should you date before you get married?’, ‘Should you date at all?’, ‘Surely, if you know deep in your heart that someone is right for you, there’s no harm in going ahead and marrying them…?’