Dating & Relationships

‘Don’t worry, HopefulGirl, you’ll meet someone soon – the divorcés are coming back onto the market every day!’ declared my friend, cheerfully.
‘Great,’ I sighed. ‘Divorce, broken families and shattered dreams – and me picking through the carnage. There’s something to look forward to.’
Divorce is a touchy subject for Christians. Some believe that, once married, a person is never free to marry again unless their spouse dies – and no exceptions. Others believe God doesn’t condemn us to be single forever if we, or our former spouse, made mistakes or behaved badly. It’s a theological tangle I’m not qualified to unpick – we each have to exercise our own judgement.

I hadn’t realized it, but my dates were becoming a job interview. I was on rapid fire with interrogating questions, evaluating whether the person across from me at the dinner table was an “asset” or a “liability.” Had I worked all these years to hook up with someone who was lazy and would live off my career earnings? Did he want kids, or should we just end dinner early and both be on our way? My dating life had become an emotional battlefield, and like most battlefields, it was war-torn and there was emotional wreckage. I was on edge, leading with a distrustful tone, and there was certainly nothing sexy or attractive about interrogation.

One of the most common objections to Christianity is that the Bible cannot be trusted because it is full of contradictions. The arguments surrounding the subject of Biblical inerrancy are still debated by Christians even thousands of years after the original texts were written.

Even when I got to the stage in my dating adventures when I was positively blasé about first dates, there was always one point in the proceedings that was guaranteed to raise my blood pressure. The moment the bill arrived. It wasn’t such a stress if we’d just met for drinks – we might even have taken it in turns to buy rounds. But if we’d gone the whole hog and had dinner, I’d dread the waiter approaching with that ominous piece of folded paper on a silver plate. Should I go with tradition and leave it to the chap to pick up the tab? If I tried to go Dutch, would I offend him? If I didn’t, would I look like some gold-digging prima donna?

Fact: there is only one way to find love. It’s a simple formula, from which no deviation is tolerated. Who should pursue, how the pursued should respond, a smooth series of appropriate interactions unto the point of happy ever after and fade out amid bluebird song (bluebirds trained to sing ‘Shine, Jesus, Shine’, obviously). Books have been written on the perfect (ahem) method of playing the age-old game of persuading that special someone into your life as the indisputable God-ordained fulfillment of your destiny.

“Hi, HopefulGirl – long time no see.” I caught my breath. I was at a school reunion, and the moment I clapped eyes on PilotMan, I was catapulted back to those breathless teen years. I’d had a major crush on the tall, dark lad who sat behind me in maths, but I always knew he was too cool to look at mousy little me. Or so I’d thought, because as we reminisced, PilotMan confessed he’d had a crush on me, too. ‘Oh, the wasted years!’ I laughed.

Do you long for love, yet fail to take decisive steps to make it happen? When you do decide to take action around dating and meeting people, are you easily side tracked by other things that fill your life? If so, your busyness could be a cover for ambivalence.

I hate to admit it, but back in my single days, I unnecessarily bungled a number of first dates. And the saddest part was, I didn’t even know I was doing anything wrong.

There were clues, no doubt — like when my date would yawn, clear her throat and say she didn’t feel well — but I just assumed the woman was rude, and I told myself I wouldn’t want to go out with her again anyway. In retrospect, I realize that most of these awkward first dates were the product of weird stuff I was doing. A lot of it was easily avoidable, and in fact, there were several people who tried to give me helpful pointers, but I wasn’t listening.

You don’t want to be like that.