Dating & Relationships

Checked your wires lately? The ones that control how you think? And your alien origins? Whether you’re from Mars or Venus? From merely knowing my gender you can know so many things about me – how I want to be spoken to, how emotional I am, my likes and dislikes, expectations of a relationship and so much more. Plus the helpful Christian bit that also says I’m looking for someone to be my leader, to pursue me (while simultaneously guarding my heart, obviously) as I journal dreamily about cupcakes iced with key verses from Proverbs 31.

‘Smile for the camera, HopefulGirl! Say cheese!’

When I took the plunge and joined a Christian dating website, my closest friend, BestGirl, volunteered to be my official photographer, and enthusiastically set about taking dozens of portraits of me in various settings. After much deliberation – and dragging BestGirl’s husband in four times for ‘the male perspective’ – we picked the best three. There was the ‘glam but approachable’ shot at the kitchen table; the ‘cute and smiley’ one by the fire; and the ‘relaxed and fun-loving’ pose in the garden, clutching a glass of wine (‘See, chaps, I’m a girl who knows how to party!’).

It’s true, dating can be discouraging! It can also be hard and not so much fun at times, in fact it can be exhausting. I have heard many of my clients and friends cry and moan about how bad it feels, and I totally understand where they are coming from. I too went through periods of discouragement during the many years I was single, so take heart, you are not alone, your feelings are normal and all part of the process.

It was my first (and only) date with Holly Bond. A smart, attractive, successful woman from my church. The date wasn’t meant to have a romantic overture, and I think we both knew that. Holly and I had been friends for a while, and we got along well, so it only seemed natural to go out to dinner at least once.

Dating is potentially an exciting journey, in which we will encounter beautiful scenery, fun experiences, winding roads and some hazardous conditions. In our excitement we could miss some of the signs along the way and need to re-route. So how can we travel safely and still enjoy the trip?

‘Hey, HopefulGirl, check out my profile – if you like what you see, let’s chat!’ I clicked through to my fellow cyberdater’s profile. The photos were nice enough, but he’d written nothing to reveal what he was about as a person. ‘Just ask whatever you want to know,’ he insisted. But with so many interesting profiles to browse, this guy had offered nothing to spark my curiosity or make me want to learn more.

As a dating coach, a common question posed to me is “When is it a good time to let a date know about my past?” Some quickly ‘bare all’ in order to build intimacy, to prove their honesty and openness, or to see if their date will accept them. For others, it is simply a matter of not understanding what type of information is appropriate to share during the early stages of a dating relationship.

‘Dear HopefulGirl. I’ve been on the Christian singles scene for seven years. I regularly go on dates with women who are nice enough, but I’ve never met one who’s quite right for me.’