Happiness

‘Some Christians say masturbation is sinful and we must strive to conquer it,’ said the email. ‘Others consider it normal and natural. I have to admit, it helps me cope with sexual frustration. What’s your take on it, HopefulGirl?’

Something strange happened to me today, so usual that it made me question my reality. How do people really see me? Do they see my disability dog and tripod walker before they see me? Or was it the other way round? Importantly does disability act as some kind of deterrent, or are people more opened -minded that I thought they were? So I began to look for answers, I was surprised by what I found. It’s not conclusive of course. It’s only a bite –sized review (references at end for further stories), but if there’s anyone else like me out there, dating with a disability then listen up. I’ve got something to say and I like you may like it.

If you’re anything like me, your social media feed is probably full of friends (and even some random people) with pictures or updates of weddings, babies, new homes, new jobs etc. Again, if you’re anything like me, you might ‘like’ some, ‘love’ others, and on the odd occasion, even make a comment. And this, after you’ve thought to yourself, ‘please, not another perfect family picture!’

‘I’m ashamed to admit it, HopefulGirl, but I’m seriously struggling with celibacy and sexual frustration,’ said the message. ‘Churches never acknowledge this aspect of being a single Christian. Surely it’s not just me… is it?’

As a single woman in her 30s over a thousand miles away from her closest natural-born relatives, I sometimes long for connection and intimacy that I don’t always feel in my studio apartment across the river from Manhattan. There may be millions of people here, but sometimes I still feel alone. Once in awhile, I think a boyfriend or husband could fix my problem. Then I remember that having a husband can never really fix my longing for intimacy and connection. My loneliness runs much deeper than what another relationship could fix.

The many life skills discovered on the journey to finding a partner are often overlooked and underrated. Practically, spiritually and emotionally, flying solo can be extremely fruitful: necessity causes you to accomplish things on your own and develop abilities you never imagined.

Sometimes you’re just disappointed in a date. You’ve showed up, made an effort to look your best, thought of good conversation topics, but the night just won’t flow. Nothing happens. You’ve felt it from the start maybe. She didn’t look the way you expected her to look, he wasn’t as open as you’d hoped he’d be. You just didn’t feel ‘it’. But you try to make the most of it anyhow, and it is what it is and you leave and say goodnight, that was fun, thank you, I’ll call you (whether or not you intend to), and you go home feeling… empty. A bit numb. Like it wasn’t what it should have been.

‘I feel painfully deprived of hugs and physical affection,’ sighed a friend over lunch. ‘As a single Christian, it’s really tough to deal with. Hardly anyone touches me from one week to the next. It makes it difficult not to get drawn into inappropriate relationships, because I’m so desperate for someone to put their arms around me. If I don’t find a partner, I don’t know if I can live like this for the rest of my life.’