Marriage

Recently I was speaking to a friend about marriage, and as I listened to them talk about how much they wanted to be married, I felt like I was looking at a younger version of myself. I could definitely relate to the longing and desire to have someone to share your whole life with. This was me only a few years ago. I gave her some well-meaning advice which I hope she took on board, but it got me thinking; if I could speak to my younger self, what would I say? What would I want her to know? So, I wrote a letter.

I am happily married and have been for almost *drum roll* one year! After this (almost) milestone in marriage, there are a few things I’ve come to realise that marriage will not do for me. Thankfully, I knew some of these before I got married, but the past few months have highlighted the rest. Here are five things marriage will not do for you.

I wanted to get married at 22. I ended up getting married at 32. Yes, a whole ten years after the age I thought would be ideal! So, I know what it’s like to want to be married, to see all your friends getting married, to go to social events and wonder if every guy that as much as looks your way is ‘the one’. Not to mention the pressure that comes with being the oldest girl in an African family.

We met on Christian Connection a couple of years ago. I was completely against the idea of online dating, and actually had a couple of friends on different websites, constantly trying to get me signed up, and I always refused. One day, after a conversation with one friend, I decided to give it a go. I thought to myself, ‘at least, after this, you can say you’ve tried everything’.

So here’s the thing. In order to date you need to be able to flirt or in some way able to attract the attention of another single person. Not too much, and not too little, but just the right amount to generate interest. It has been said of Christian singles that they suck at flirting. Especially Christian single men who are often accused of being ‘passive’ and non-initiating, whereas Christian single women can be accused of being ‘too eager’ and over-initiating.

Sometimes you’re just disappointed in a date. You’ve showed up, made an effort to look your best, thought of good conversation topics, but the night just won’t flow. Nothing happens. You’ve felt it from the start maybe. She didn’t look the way you expected her to look, he wasn’t as open as you’d hoped he’d be. You just didn’t feel ‘it’. But you try to make the most of it anyhow, and it is what it is and you leave and say goodnight, that was fun, thank you, I’ll call you (whether or not you intend to), and you go home feeling… empty. A bit numb. Like it wasn’t what it should have been.

Often Christians are in a church with an uneven number of single Christian guys and girls. They want to be in a relationship, or already like a non-Christian, and wonder if it’s wise to date them. But the answer isn’t yes, no, maybe or sometimes, the answer is, it’s the wrong question. The real question should be ‘What kind of relationships do I want to build?’ Then we can decide if this person would help, whether they’re Christian or not.

Ten years ago, I had an email exchange with my friend Bethany Greenoe, in which she offered some marital advice to me. I wasn’t even dating anyone seriously at the time, but her words were so meaningful that I saved the message in my “Memorable Emails” folder.