If love knocked on your door, would you fling the door open and welcome it in with open arms, would you peer at it suspiciously through the letterbox, or somewhere in between? I ask because I know from experience that looking for love and being ready for love are two different things. We may be dating online, sending messages and meeting for coffee, but we may be doing so with walls of steel around our heart. So how do you unlock your heart and prepare for love?

It might sound negative to talk about dating after divorce – or even divorce – on a Christian dating site but the reality is that many of us know the pain of divorce yet truly desire a marriage which is ‘till death us do part’. I’ve travelled this road. Married in my mid-twenties, I found myself alone in my forties when my husband left me for someone else he had become involved with. I then spent several years as a single person before meeting and marrying a lovely man who had been through his own difficult divorce before we met. Here’s what I found helpful to consider about dating after divorce along the way:

Making decisions in a relationship can lead to arguments – but it doesn’t have to be that way! In the early stages of getting to know someone, some decisions could be as simple as what to do on a date or which restaurant to eat at. Then, as the relationship progresses, you’re likely to have to decide on bigger issues such as when to take the relationship to the next level, meeting each other’s family and friends and even whether or when to get married. Whatever place you’re at in your connection with someone, here are three principles to abide by when making decisions.

“Hello there. My name is Chloe and we met on Christian Connection. I’d like to share our story with you. My friend met her husband on the website as well. I am in my 30s, and had a free week with the website. I worked at a boarding hostel, in Dunedin. I came home one day to see who was on. Saw this breakdancer photo of Andrei, and we got chatting. I am a dancer and I loved the shot from the Oriental bay here in Wellington. I decided to give him a wave, well I didn’t just give him one wave I gave him 10. Just in case he didn’t get my first one.

Dating can be hard but one of the best bits, in my opinion, is sharing the ups and downs with other single friends. It makes the whole process more fun, less lonely and it keeps you accountable. Being able to support friends and be supported is a gift. It can be challenging however when you’re not going through the same ups and downs at the same time. How do we enjoy the journey together – celebrating, sympathising and everything in between – when everyone’s journey is different? How do you grow deeper and healthier friendships as you share your dating experiences?

One of my biggest fears when I was dating was silence. Awkward silence, running out of conversation, and the panic that then ensued filled me with such dread. I would combat it by either chatting a load of ‘twaddle’ to fill the silence, or panic so much that I could think of nothing to say. Chances are my verbal explosions or my clamming up put off a few people. I knew that the right one would be someone I wouldn’t run out of conversation with. It turned out to be true – five years later … we’re still conversing well! So what did I learn about how to have good conversations that brought out the best in me and the person I was meeting?

Shared interests matter. Sometimes looking for a good match online can feel like searching for a tiny fish in a very big pond. Having faith in common is a given, but ideally you’d like to meet someone who shares – or at least appreciates – your hobbies and concerns too. It can feel a bit risky to add your likes to your profile – will there be anyone else who appreciates bird spotting or paddleboarding? But couples who’ve met through Christian Connection tell us time and time again how important it was to see favourite music, films and places, among other things. It was also a great way to break the ice in a first message.

I spent some of my late thirties and early forties feeling depressed. There were a few reasons for this. I was single, childless and living alone at a time when I always imagined I’d be happily married with a couple of kids. My life hadn’t gone to plan and I couldn’t understand why. But my depression had another source: I wasn’t living an authentic life.